make of that what you will

it's funny how coming home always seems like a great idea when you're away.
after a few days, though, after all the old friends and family outings and welcomed feelings are worn out, it's just another shit town. i think a week and a half of lexington is more than enough.
a week and a half left, though.
eventually, i won't have to come back at all.
summer 2010. looking forward to it, and backwards, to see what i've missed.
not much at all.
good riddance.

the thing is, it's not that i have some deep hatred for this place.
i'm glad to have grown up here. i recognize the blessings in having lived here for all of my life. it's just not the kind of place i want to revisit any more.
too much has gone on here. i'd rather start somewhere new. new york sounds good. it's my goal, in fact.

forehead resting on a record shelf
amid moving boxes stacked
i'm still waiting for the right words
make of that what you will

what you need is a guarantee.

i found a couple of old mix cds today.
they are excellent.
and a little hard to listen to.


i think i am going to be a writer.

harvester

onward, then:
- some time alone would do me good.
- some time with my friends would also do me good.
- the strugglers make excellent music.
- i have a theme song - "lately" by the helio sequence. it is not always true but when it is, it's perfect and beautiful and things are better for 4 minutes. and sometimes just listening to the song makes the song true.
- i would like to return to the faith i once had. i feel like it's still there, just misplaced, perhaps. i would like to be at peace. i think i am moving in the right direction.

don't be worried, everything will turn out fine.
don't be worried, friend, just put your hand in mine.
don't be troubled, everything will turn out right.
don't be troubled, friend just take my hand tonight.

i have a christmas present that i'm not sure i want to give

more than anything else, i wish there was a clean and easy way to get what's in my head out onto paper, or a recording. a lot of time i feel like wes bentley in american beauty, watching a plastic bag dance around and about to explode. but i don't want to just take in the beauty and the weight of the world. i'm good at that. i've had years of practice at discerning and taking it in and feeling that tug from behind your ribs pulling yr organs into a single point. now i want to create some beauty. whether i write it or play it or say it.