this is my four leaf clover.

i have been straight exhausted for the past few days.
there is too much to do.

it's good, though.
stay busy. stay occupied. be content. be grateful.

love.

someday maybe i'll get to where i'm going

i am far more unbalanced than i thought i was.
i really am trying to clean up, to keep a level head and stay logical and put things in perspective.
it's pretty difficult, though.






so when i'm lost in a crowd
i hope that you'll pick me out
how i long to be found!
the grass grew high, i laid down.
now i'm waiting for a hand
to lift me up, help me stand
i've been laying so low
don't wanna lay here no more

golden.

i got no time for yr sad songs
i got plenty to sing on my own

stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things stay on top of things

it's time now that i pick up my hustle.

i talked with my mom earlier this morning, and she told me i repeatedly set myself up for failure. this is absolutely true.
every time i go about chasing some new goal or dream or whim, i always intend to do things differently. i always intend to change my way of thinking, or get rid of those bad habits that kept me from following through the last time, or just be positive about the whole thing. this happens quite rarely, if ever.
see, i am a talker, not a doer. i have excellent ideas, and often times i have excellent plans to carry out those ideas. but i am so caught up in myself that as soon as i hit my first roadblock, all those plans go out the window, and i'm left wondering why i can't do anything right.
the obvious course of action, it seems, would be to develop a work ethic or a sense of resilience. and i always intend to do that as well.

the coming months are going to be quite the test for me.
what i'm saying here is that i really, really need your encouragement. i'm not so delusional to think that i can do this by myself, which i think has been my problem in the past. i'm so focused on trying to be independent and stoic and productive that i forget that i'm really just a little kid playing dress up. but i can grow. please believe me. please believe in me. i'm trying my best to believe in myself.

well here i stand, a broken man
if i could, i would lift my hands
i come before you humbly
if i could, i'd be on my knees
come lay down yr head upon my chest
feel my heart beat, feel my unrest
if jesus could only wash my feet
then i'd get up strong
and muscle on

oh in the morning
i stumble my way towards the mirror and my makeup
it's light out
and i now face just what i'm made of
there's so much more
left to do
well i'm not young
but i'm not through

like a hitman! oh, like a dancer

so i've got this very tenuous and abstract possibility of a motivation floating out there.
and nothing is certain, nothing is set in stone, but yet i am already looking forward to what i am going to create. it's going to be a good semester. it's going to be HARD AS BALLS. but it's going to be so worth it.

a better son/daughter

and sometimes when you're on
you're really fuckin' on
and yr friends they sing along and they love you
but the lows are so extreme
that the good seems fuckin' cheap
and it teases you for weeks in its absence
but you'll fight and you'll make it through
you'll fake it if you have to
and you'll show up for work with a smile
you'll be better and you'll be smarter
and more grown up and a better daughter
or son, and a real good friend
you'll be awake, you'll be alert
you'll be positive though it hurts
and you'll laugh and embrace all yr friends
you'll be a real good listener
you'll be honest, you'll be brave
you'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful
you'll be happy.

i think it's important for me to listen to this song when things are good, too.
it's basically my anthem.

i'm getting another tattoo soon! yessssss

everyday it's getting closer, going faster than a roller coaster

i had my last cigarette for at least the next two months (and hopefully much longer) today. it scares me a little bit. i've been smoking regularly for over a year and a half now, and i'm going cold turkey. i'm all stocked up with nicorette, though, so if all goes according to plan, it won't be too bad.

but it makes me think about the nature of addiction.
not specifically with drugs, but in all aspects. how we become addicted to attention, to habits, to people, to sex, to being in love, to religion.
aside from chemical dependence, the stuff that can be scientifically explained, addiction is safety, although there's a hell of a lot of comfort and safety in drugs too. it's an unwillingness to face what else is out there, to take on new roles in life. and it's crippling.
i'm addicted to my depression and anxiety. it's a security blanket, albeit one that isn't very comfortable, to say the least. if something makes me uncomfortable or scared, well hey, i've got somewhere to retreat so i don't have to deal with it. i have an excuse for all occasions. it may be true, but it's still an excuse. and it makes me sick with myself.

so here is my new year's resolution:
to identify and draw out those little things in my life that i am addicted to or dependent on, analyze them, figure out how i became wrapped up in them, and execute them systematically. there will be no excuses. there will be no mercy.

happy new year<3

p.s. - i saw 5 out of my top 7 bands on last.fm in 2008. hell yes.

p.s.s. - i want to go see this immediately.